The Filthy Ramblings of a Dirty Girl on Lock

7.28.2010

Holy Hot Shit Review!!!

I got a new toy in the mail last week from the Adult Toy Shoppe to review but alas mother nature came and I didn't want to muck up my brand new Micro Bullet Vibrator, you know?

Well, hoooonnnnnnneeeeeyyyyy! Let me tell you about this little fucker right here! Now y'all know I ain't no punk! Miss Pussy likes it just about any way you give it to her...but!! This handy-dandy-holy-shit-let-me-grab-on-to-the-bed-for-dear-life was no fucking joke!!!

First, let me say that it is visually the cutest vibe I've ever had in my entire life. The thing is purple - one of my all time favorite colors!! It's soft and tiny and I was all excited to have it accompany me on my family vacation/anniversary trip but....! Now it has two speeds on it: "Oh My Fucking God!" and "Are You Out of Your Fucking Mind?!"

It had the intensity of possibly being put spread eagle naked on a lier jet with your pussy on the engine. I could barely hold it between my legs for, oh say, three seconds before I thought my coochie was going to burst into flames!!

So ssssssoooooooo disappointed that this vibe was way too intense for me! Ugh, what does that mean? Am I losing my touch? Are the gray hairs really getting to Miss Pussy? Or was this just a sucky ass vibe?

I vote for the last one...right?!

7.18.2010

What's Shakin, Bacon?

Hey Peeps!!

How's it hanging, banging, dragging, plugging, fisting, licking, sucking, bucking...in other words, how are you guys doing?

I know it's been a while since I've given you a real deal update on things, so here we go...

I'm on summer vacations - WHOO-FUCKING-HOO!!
I've lost 8lbs and have another 7 to go to reach MY ideal weight
It's fucking unbearably hot, which makes me not want to do a fucking thing on a daily basis
The kids are great, my 10yr old is driving me crazy, I'm convinced her period is coming any day now the way she runs so coocoo for coco puffs on a regular basis (one minute fine, the next minute crying over something so ridiculous I want to scream) ...plus she's a Gemini too - Good Lord! It's going to be a rough next couple of years.
Hubby and I are doing awesomely well, our sex life is thriving, the day after the wedding, we had our first "CS" (corpse sex). I was so tired and told him to have his way with me, and I'd just lie there. SIKE!! I pretty much rolled over and rode him lovely, and instantaneously passed the fuck out!
Did I mention how hot it is?!
I've come to the startling realization that my breasts are way way way huge! I've spent the past 3 weeks looking for bathing suits that actually fit them. I no longer can sport the traditional bikini (you know the triangle top) without popping out repeatedly, and this won't work on our upcoming family vacation. Normally, when I start working out, I lose weight in my tits too, this time I didn't, so the contrasted weight loss really emphasizes them (course no one's complaining)
Oh, for the first time in years, I almost caused an accident! We were driving home from hubby's bday dinner and I was wearing a sundress, ironically picked out by my daughter, that had a ridiculous cleavage. As we pull up to a red light, this older white man in a pickup truck breaks his neck as he slow motion passes us with the old man sneer and he mouths the words, "NNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCEEEE"...which is immediately followed by screeching tires. I was giddy the rest of the way home! I have issues, I know. But damn it felt so good!
After a month's worth of numbness in my right foot, I was told by my podiatrist that I have Tarsal Tunnel Syndrome!! I've been out of workout commission for almost a week trying to find appropriate sneakers with good arch support. Workouts will reconvene tomorrow cuz I snagged me some Reebok's yesterday!!
Lastly, hubby and I will be celebrating our 5 year anniversary in less than a month and will be going to this lovely bed and breakfast in NJ with our own private deck. This was a huge requirement for him and I told him point blank, "If you don't fuck me on this deck that you just had to have on this vacation, I will punch you in the balls and drive home by myself!" You know I'll keep you posted on that threat!!