Husbandly Affirmations

After toe curling sex this morning I broke down crying. Hubby asked what was wrong. And it hit me: I was scared. I didn't want to lose him. I realized why I didn't have much of a reaction while reading those emails, it never occurred to me that someone else could take him away from me until that moment.

While legs were still intertwined, a sheen of after sex sweat covered us both, and tears ran down my cheeks, he said:

"I'm not going anywhere...
No one is going to ever take me away from you...
The longer I'm with you, the more beautiful and sexy you get...
All the times you wanted me gone and I never left should tell you I'm committed to you and only you...
I love you and I never have and never will cheat on you...
I promise."

Admission of Guilt or Reassurance?

I Think My Husband Cheated On Me

The jury is still out. I found some emails of conversations between my husband and some chick from his old job. I wasn't being sneaky I had permission to use him email to send out resumes on his behalf and clean up his 5000+ full inbox (I'd been teasing him for years that I would do it, and he practically begged me to do it).

Anyway I found these emails from back in 2006 after we'd been married a few months and about to get our house. Long story short there were a lot of emails with her cursing him out about not being there for her and terms like "you got what you wanted from me", "I know we each have our significant others but", "I know I shouldn't have gotten feelings for you", "Don't worry about canceling on me %$@^@, I made other plans"...it was over the course of 6 emails and they were very long or I would've posted them.

I did, however, forward them all over to my best man friend for a MANpinion.  His assessment was that the girl was fucking crazy.  And she did sound like a nutjob constantly going off on him for a variety of infractions, mostly not spending time with him.

When I first read them on Saturday, I wasn't angry nor was I hurt, I just felt sick to my stomach.  I didn't have any rage, and therefore just sat on this information for 2 days before finally deciding to ask him about.  Mind you, I let him know on Saturday that I did clean out his inbox and that he should "really check what I left, in case there was anything important".  

Of course, he didn't catch the hint, and I asked him last night who the chick was.  Without hesitation, his eyes bugged out of his head, and he said, "That bitch is fucking crazy!"  He went on to explain that she was a friend from his old job that he used to go to lunch with on occasion but then she started "catching feelings" and acting awkward, so he told he couldn't be friends with her anymore. "PERIOD".  I questioned him a little more about some of the wording, and just as my friend told me, hubby explained that if I "read carefully" I would have seen the outlandish commentary came from her not him.

He hugged me and kissed me, and told me he felt terrible that I would even think that, and that he loved me more than words can say.  He apologized for me feeling cheated on but not to fear that he would never ever cheat on me.

I'm trying to figure out if my lack of anger or hurt is because I believe him or if maybe I'm in shock still at the thought.  I really don't know what to think and while we're in a really good place now, we weren't back in 2006.  I could say that at the end of the day he trusts me implicitly because I had and now have full access to his email and cellphone (all passwords), and he is not computer savvy on the tricks of hiding anything computer related.  Soooooo.....

*Sigh*

Oh, dirty birds, where art thou?

I'm getting cursed out left and right for not updating the nasty girl in me. Honestly, I don't know where she is! Am I sexin' it up with the hubby. Uh huh! Buuuuuut...my vagina is still not sexy.

My surgery was back in June, and hubby just finally went down on me this past weekend. I have not masturbated yet since the surgery...I KNOW!!! Me? Not pleasure myself?!?! WTF, right?

And I think that's why I haven't been doing the sexy blogging thing. I spend a lot of time touching my 6" scar. Some of it has no real sensation. I really just miss my old vagina.

My husband swears everything is fine, but most times after sex, the scar aches and throbs, but not in a good way.

Plus, part of me wonders if it's a side effect of the Cymbalta I'm taking. I haven't gone out of my way to initiate sex...imagine that? But once we get it on, the sex is great! Then once it's over, I'm good. I haven't asked for seconds in a minute!! (sure hubby's happy bout that!)

That is where I'm at. Sorry to disappoint, I'm hoping the throw on some filthy posts really soon (I know I keep saying that...don't give up on me, ok?)


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