I Think My Husband Cheated On Me

The jury is still out. I found some emails of conversations between my husband and some chick from his old job. I wasn't being sneaky I had permission to use him email to send out resumes on his behalf and clean up his 5000+ full inbox (I'd been teasing him for years that I would do it, and he practically begged me to do it).

Anyway I found these emails from back in 2006 after we'd been married a few months and about to get our house. Long story short there were a lot of emails with her cursing him out about not being there for her and terms like "you got what you wanted from me", "I know we each have our significant others but", "I know I shouldn't have gotten feelings for you", "Don't worry about canceling on me %$@^@, I made other plans"...it was over the course of 6 emails and they were very long or I would've posted them.

I did, however, forward them all over to my best man friend for a MANpinion.  His assessment was that the girl was fucking crazy.  And she did sound like a nutjob constantly going off on him for a variety of infractions, mostly not spending time with him.

When I first read them on Saturday, I wasn't angry nor was I hurt, I just felt sick to my stomach.  I didn't have any rage, and therefore just sat on this information for 2 days before finally deciding to ask him about.  Mind you, I let him know on Saturday that I did clean out his inbox and that he should "really check what I left, in case there was anything important".  

Of course, he didn't catch the hint, and I asked him last night who the chick was.  Without hesitation, his eyes bugged out of his head, and he said, "That bitch is fucking crazy!"  He went on to explain that she was a friend from his old job that he used to go to lunch with on occasion but then she started "catching feelings" and acting awkward, so he told he couldn't be friends with her anymore. "PERIOD".  I questioned him a little more about some of the wording, and just as my friend told me, hubby explained that if I "read carefully" I would have seen the outlandish commentary came from her not him.

He hugged me and kissed me, and told me he felt terrible that I would even think that, and that he loved me more than words can say.  He apologized for me feeling cheated on but not to fear that he would never ever cheat on me.

I'm trying to figure out if my lack of anger or hurt is because I believe him or if maybe I'm in shock still at the thought.  I really don't know what to think and while we're in a really good place now, we weren't back in 2006.  I could say that at the end of the day he trusts me implicitly because I had and now have full access to his email and cellphone (all passwords), and he is not computer savvy on the tricks of hiding anything computer related.  Soooooo.....

*Sigh*

Texting An Old Flame

*Sigh*

I have an itch my husband can't scratch and I may have started on a very, very slippery slope.

My ex has been on my mind a lot, and I mean, if I close my eyes just to take a breath images and sensations of him flood my senses. I need that complete sensory overload of knowing that someone gives a total shit about you. Unbridled passion and compassion.

*sigh*

So I texted him.

Long story way short: I asked him if he wanted to see me.

He's seeing someone, but said that he would never tell me "no".

Now...what?

Answering Prop. 3 Questions

Thank you all for your responses (finally LOL). I thought it best to address all the questions in one post, instead trying to comment individually:

1. NW and Voyeur36 - asked what IF he finds out? how do you explain how it happened? If he were to find out, it more than likely would be due to my admission because with his late hours, it would be very easy to make it happen. The only explanation would be an honest one, he already knows that I feel the urge and that my needs aren't being met.


2. Bill - asked (alot). No I haven't made up my mind at all. What will he reaction be when he finds out? He'll be angry, possibly try to kick me out, because he's not the one to leave (go back over past posts to see that. Do you think he will be understanding and "forgive" you? No, I can see him keeping me in this marriage and holding it over my head for years. Will it destroy your marriage and if so, will the experience have been worth it? It may destroy my marriage and then no it would not be worth it at all. Will you require the men to wear condoms? HELL FUCKING YES! Have you considered setting up a video camera to capture the session? Um, NO! The surest way to get caught is to hold on to blatant evidence. Have you discussed fidelity with your husband? Yes, a thousand times, yes. Read the ranting post. How would I feel about him having sex with other women? As long as I could be one of the women or watch.

If more questions come up, I'll add them. For right now, I find it interesting that the votes lean towards fulfilling the fantasy, but the comments clearly seem to voice on the side of sticking to my marriage. I went out for lunch with a my BFF today and she's been silently following the blog and she insisted that I do the right thing and honor my vows, and hat there are so many other components to a marriage than just sex. While I know this is true, then why does sex weigh so heavily for me? It is exhausting trying to get him to see the light, and the idea that he may never is depressing as hell. I'm still not sure that I'd be able to live like that. I do love my husband, and these first four years have been quite an uphill battle. It seems that now that many of our other issues are taken care of (for the most part), what's left is our sex life or my lack of enjoying it on a consistent basis. Today we were both home, I went out for that hour, and my BFF hung out for about an hour, which left us several hours before dinner and his sleep time. Knowing our previous conversation, he made not one attempt to get physical (besides his peck when he came home from work this morning). Both kids were home, but our 9yr loves "babysitting" the baby even for a little while and we could have had them play upstairs...but as usual the thought never ever enters his mind. Add to the fact that he thinks it's wrong for us to be remotely affectionate in front of them. I still haven't completely made up my mind, but this is going to be one of the toughest decisions I've had to make in a really long time.

Oh, yeah, HHNT...Thoughful

Rant First...More Decisions to Follow...

The fight between good and evil still wages on my shoulders. Even after analgasms last weekend I knew not to get excited. An entire week goes by and nothing, nada, zippo, zilch, not a tongue, not a kiss, not a caress, not a pinch, not a fucking thing! His excuse, of course, was that I was sick...but I asked him as I'll ask you: doesn't sex make everything feel better? He couldn't deny that and admitted that he could have sex no matter how he's feeling. Ok, so why would he think anything less of his sex hungry wife??!?! It's like one step forward and two steps back every time. I knew not to get excited over getting him to give me anal (one of my fantasies), I just knew he'd fall back into the rut. Mind you, I was even home for 2 days this week, and one of those days our 9 yr old wasn't even home!! So afternoon quickies could have been all over this damn house! I told him in no uncertain terms this morning that he is making it extremely difficult to stay true to our vows because we have to keep having this same tired ass conversation about what I need and how I need it on a consistent basis. Now that we've got the work schedule all squared away, he's working only one job, and sleeping more now than he's ever slept in our entire relationship, he's still using SLEEP as his excuse, oh, and a bad back for last night's infraction (don't even want to go there, but real quick, I told him I didn't care that I was sick since he didn't take the hint Friday night, and he promised to make me "feel better" last night. I wake up to find his hands between my legs and the beginning of some good sex. You with me? I'm peering at him since he flipped me on my stomach and I swear he's somewhere else, it was as if he was fucking the air and I wasn't even in the room. Whatever. Then 15 minutes in, he stops, flips me on my back and does that wonderful finger thing on the g-spot I love. I cum quickly. Then he climbs on top Roger Rabbits me, all the while I'm yelling, "Please don't cum yet, slow down, don't do it, don't you do it!" He cums, apologizes, rolls off, cleans up, and starts to fall asleep. I'm mad, he tells me I can get him later in his sleep. Fine. Baby gets me up around 2am and after getting him back to sleep I seize my opportunity and climb on top of him as it took only 2 strokes and he was hard for me. He opens one eye and asks me to add some lube, which was strange cuz I'm always wet, but I obliged. I start doing my magic but the magic ain't working. He's laying there and I would've have bet money I was doing a corpse! He didn't move, moan, sigh, breathe, nothing. He just fucking laid there. I took his hands and tried to get him to grab my ass, he literally just rested them on the outskirts of my hips like 2 wet ass noodles. I asked not once but twice, "are you awake?" and he replied, "yeah, go 'head". After 2 more painstaking minutes of getting no reaction whatsoever, I dramatically hopped off and theatrically sighed on my side of the bed. He just reached over to rub my shoulder and mumbled, "sorry babe", before snoring again.) Now fast forward to this mornings "ultimatum" (his words not mine). I told him I'm really tired of this and that he's leaving me no choice. At least this time, I didn't his usual sad ass apology or fake ass "I'll do better". This time he simply said, "There's nothing else I can say that you haven't heard before that won't piss you off. Just know that I fee pretty fucked up that my wife isn't happy and I have to deal with ultimatums. I know that when I make you happy, I'm that much more happy because of it." I told him that he must be allergic to change because he tries then we get in a rut, then he tries and we get in a rut...and so on and so on and so on. I'm always the one to say something or try something and I'm tired. I told him soon I'm just not going to say anything or do anything anymore, and then what? I'm trying so hard to be good, but I feel like he's making it much too easy for me!

This Is Dedicated To All Those Stepping Out and Those That Just Fantasize About it...

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