What I Need...

Can you see what I need?


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This is how you do it HNT!

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Shocking Update!

He's going to individual counseling! What miracle caused this to happen, you say?

I sent him the following text message after he screamed at our daughter causing our last big blowout shortly following our marriage counseling:

"Honestly I think we should take some time apart while we go through therapy. I can't keep this up.
Maybe you should stay at your folks for a while!"

Hours later I got a lengthy apology and praise for wanting to protect our children even from him. That he finally sees how hurtful he's been.

I'm mildly hopeful. I'll believe it when he starts his own course to self-reflection.


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My Therapy Theme Song!

I hate going to new therapists! You have to start all over, rehash old shit, before you can get to the new shit, all the background information....When I want is for him to fucking LISTEN!!

This is our 4th, shit, maybe 5th attempt at fixing our marriage. He swears he bends to my every will and has no say. I say he's still living on single island and he doesn't give a shit about what I say. I say he talks and treats the kids like shit. He says he was raised where a child is to be seen and not heard...the list goes on and on.

But I think this will honestly be my last attempt. It's be 5 years of the same exhausting fights, but I will not stand by and what him be a tyrant to my kids. Even today he screamed at our 10 year old as she was trying to be cute in asking him to attend her school recital...but because she was asking in a roundabout 10 year old he said, "Don't ever ask me any stupid questions! That was a stupid question and I will not entertain such nonsense!" After whisper fighting for 10 minutes I got him to apologize to her...why do I have to keep doing that?

I'm looking into signing him up for some type of sensitivity training or counseling and add that to the ultimatum list...and by the by I did not wake his whack ass up for sex last night and he woke up all pissed off. OH-FUCKING-WELL!!

I know y'all want some T-N-A and once I get out of this marital fucking funk, I will get back to it. Just bare with me while I bare with his fucking ass.

Thanks.

You've Heard of Extreme Fighting...Well, Here's Extreme Fucking!!

Now this is VARIETY!!!

Hubby wants sex tonight...wanna know how he asked?

"Hey, so you got the all clear from your doctor, right? How bout you wake me up when the kids are asleep. I'm going to take a shower, ok?"

No comment.

Texting An Old Flame

*Sigh*

I have an itch my husband can't scratch and I may have started on a very, very slippery slope.

My ex has been on my mind a lot, and I mean, if I close my eyes just to take a breath images and sensations of him flood my senses. I need that complete sensory overload of knowing that someone gives a total shit about you. Unbridled passion and compassion.

*sigh*

So I texted him.

Long story way short: I asked him if he wanted to see me.

He's seeing someone, but said that he would never tell me "no".

Now...what?

Oh, No The Fuck He Didn't!!

I'm washing our son up in the shower, Sunday night is shower night and I wash his hair and we have a blast, right? Or so I thought.

Anyone who has kids knows sometimes they're ok with water on the face and sometimes they're not. The trick is to have quick distractions. I get to washing my son's hair and he likes to help but sometimes he forgets he has soap on his hands and will rub his eyes, he'll cry for a second while I rinse out the Johnson's then I get to the art form of distraction. Tonight was "Who do you love?" where I ask him about all the people (animals) that he loves.

We get through maybe 2 rubs of the eyes, I start to rinse his hair out, and tonight he decided he didn't like the water and did his cry thing. However, before I could continue the love quest, Mr. Asshole bursts into the bathroom screaming, "WHY ARE YOU TORTURING MY SON?! GOT HIM IN HERE EVERY NIGHT CRYING!" WTF!

It's winter idiot, he doesn't get a bath every night, but I'll play along, however, his outburst now sends our son's minor whimper into a full fledged meltdown!

I try to calmly explain that I know what I'm doing, our toddler is fine, he's making matters worse, and now letting the cold from the hallway into the bathroom. Do you know he had the nerve to say some shit like "But when I wash him up he doesn't cry!"?

First, let me remind everyone including him that the last time he gave our son a bath was about a year ago, OK?! So he is far from a fucking expert on bath time! He wants to now make this a good time to tell ME that I must be doing something wrong. I basically said, "Hey, if you think you can do a better job of not only giving our 2 year old a bath, but wash his very temperamental hair too, KNOCK YOURSELF OUT! If not, get out of the doorway, our son is getting cold!!"

Strange, he didn't decide to show me how it's done though! After, as I'm trying to get him dressed for bed, Ding Dong continues his rant about he should be able to have a say if he doesn't like how I'm handling his son. Really?! You would have a say if you lifted one fucking finger to take care of our son! I told him that him running into the bathroom to correct my bathtime routine would be as asinine as me running into the garage and telling him he's fixing his car wrong.

My list for therapy is getting longer and longer...

Can toddlers sense when something is wrong with mommy and daddy? It took everything I had not to burst into tears after this happened today. It's not like we're not talking or even fighting right now, but still...

As I'm carrying my son to take his bath we cross paths with hubby and this is the dialogue that ensued:

Son: Daddy shum here (he then puts one arm around my neck and one around daddy's neck

Hubby: Yes

Son: (looks at Daddy) Daddy an' Mommy (looks at me) frenz

Confused Daddy look

Me: Daddy and mommy are friends

Son: Yes, Mommy. (Looking at daddy) Daddy shuddle wif Mommy

Me: He wants you to cuddle with me

Son: *sigh* yes mommy (as if he was frustrated that I'm translating). Daddy you shuddle mommy right now. Daddy an' Mommy frenz.

Hubby: Ok, I'm friends with mommy. We'll cuddle later.

Son: Good job, daddy, good job!

We have an appointment with a new therapist on Tuesday next week. I have to work on my list of issues so I don't get frustrated in session and not get everything out.

Happy Pity Party, I Mean, New Year!

My husband is back in asshole mode. He's been there for quite some time now. Let's count the ways:
1. Ignored our son the day after missing his birthday to play video games
2. Bought a brand fucking new 55" flat screen TV for himself for Christmas but we can't pay this months mortgage because HE deserves it.
3. Had me get a family friendly game for all of us for Christmas and has been promising our daughter all week that we'd play together but what is he doing instead right now while I type this? Playing his fucking game with his online buddies.
4. Has told me in so many words when I say I'm unhappy with the state of our marriage and how he treats myself and the kids - "you'll get over it".
5. We're supposed to start back at therapy but part of me really wants to know what's the point? It's been five years and I don't know how much more of him emotionally hurting me and the kids that I can stand.

I am just so unhappy when I come home knowing he's there. I find myself being thrilled when he decides to take double night shifts or just sleep at work.

When I tell him that our daughter now tells me that "Daddy cares more about his video games than he does me". He just says that shes supersensitive and he's working on it. How is a 10 year old supposed to get that?

It is taking every ounce of willpower in me every day not to take that fucking PS3 and drive my car over it about a hundred times.

Sorry for the pity party and it's only the 2nd day of the year.



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