Happy HNT!!

This is my very first HNT (Half-Nekkid-Thursday) Post...Enjoy!!

Hello Girls! Yes, they're mine, and yes they're real (albeit got milk!)

I wanna go outside...in the rain...

Image via Wikipedia

It's thundering and lightning outside and I would love nothing more than to run out on my deck bukked ass nekked and get screwed on my lovely deck swing. Another of my many fantasies that I would like to see cum to life. Sex in the rain would be so slippery, moist, cool to the touch, and just plain sexy. Hair would get all matted and bodies would get silhouetted by each flash of lightning (shoulda made this a nocturnal chat, right?) No, I wanna talk about the idea of an actual fantasy. This blog has now taken on a life of it's own. It breathes for me, puts a fire in me, and helps me fight the urge to make some drastic phone calls. When I finish a post, it's almost like I'm having this secret, delicious affair with my readers (though few). I get a charge from the comments, I feel validated as a highly sexual woman that I'm not alone. It gives me hope that maybe one day my husband will look at me with so much lust and hunger in his eyes that I'll cum instantaneously from the shock of it. I love him, of course, and I love my children, no question...but sometimes...sometimes when I close my eyes and fantasize I think about making all of my dirty thoughts a reality by any means necessary. Does that put me in the horrible category of a desperate housewife? Will I be so hard up for the sexual attention I crave that one day the cable guy will become my victim? Or maybe I'll be like some of these other online wives that have their secret blogs detailing their tawdry affairs? Hmmmm...for now, I have this blog and the drive to keep showing and telling my husband just what the hell he got himself into.

Coochie Blocked!!

It was bound to happen. Surprised it took this long for it to happen, but alas it did. Hubby came home today and must have been in my head with Nocturnal Chat #3 cuz after dinner right before kissing me goodnight, he grabs my ass and says, "Since the munchin is sleeping and nosy is on the computer, how bout a quickie?" I'm so shocked by the proposal at first I bust out laughing not trying to be mean, but understand: hubby doesn't know about this blog...omg, or does he? Anyway, I find it so coincidental that I posted last night's fantasy and he proposes after dinner sex. What are the fucking odds?! Needless to say, I couldn't get out of my clothes and lock the door fast enough!! LMFAO We were in it for a good 15 minutes and he had my legs up over his shoulders so his dick could rub my clit on the downstroke just right when...MY 7 MONTH OLD COOCHIE BLOCKED ME!!!!!!! I was devastated! I tried everything I could to get him back to sleep (save sticking a boob in his mouth), but he's teething and wasn't trying to hear it! To add the last note of comic relief, as I brought him back to our room to retrieve my clothes, and say good night to hubby, do you know what he did?! My son had the nerve to lift up the sheets off his daddy with a gummy ass smile as if to say, "Ha, mommy! You ain't getting none-a-dat on my watch!" Kids! Gotta love 'em, right?

Nocturnal Chat #3

Don't Talk...Just Let Me

I'm washing dishes when he gets home from work. He doesn't say anything so I assume he's had another rough day. He goes out of his way to come plant a kiss on the back of neck on his way to the bathroom.

Shower's running.
The baby just went down for a nap and I welcome the quiet of the house.

Shower stops.
I continue the tedious task of washing the dishes.

He comes back into the kitchen naked. Odd. The windows are open. Must need something quick. He does. Me.

He walks up to me pulls my ponytail and wraps it around his fingers. Dick hard. He plants a rough, scratchy kiss on the nape of my neck and whispers, "Don't talk, just let me fuck you before the baby wakes up". Nipple pinch.

He pulls me by my ponytail into the bedroom and throws me on the bed face down. Skirt hiked up. Panties ripped off.

Dick slammed into my barely wet pussy. Pleasant ouch. He's got his fist inside my hair and is pulling the ponytail from the inside out. Grunting and heavy breathing.

Pussy starts getting wet for him. Purring softly as fingertips caress clit. Eyes shut. Cumming. Damn.

"What's for dinner?"

The House Has Lifted the Ban!!

The Tightie Whities have left the mother fucking building!! Can the church say: AMEN! After our long talk about everything under the sun on Friday night and taking a picture of him in his tighties holding our son in his diaper to bring my point home, hubby finally suggested I try to find him briefs that are pleasing to my eyes. I did a little shopping and got him some blacks, blues, grays, reds, stripes, polka dots...basically everything the store offered except fucking diaper-ass white!! When he came home today, I got a mini-fashion show as he strutted around the house in nothing but a pair of black briefs...WHEW! I'm a happy horny woman, and to whoever mentioned the mesh boxer briefs - ALL PRAISES TO YOU!! THANKS A GABILLION!!! THEY'RE GREAT!!

Irresponsible or Healthy?

Irresponsible might be a poor choice of words, but is it irresponsible or healthy to continue to have sexual fantasies that you want to fulfill with your spouse? The whole reason this blog came into existence is because I'm an overly sexual being and have been repressing much of my sexuality because a) my hubby is my complete opposite and 6) we don't have the "time" or "means" to entertain me. The conversation came up about fantasies and the question was posed to me, "You still want to fulfill your fantasies now? Didn't you get those out of your system when we got married?" UM, NO! I still want a threesome, I still want to have sex in locations where the element of getting caught is there, I still want to go to a "sexy" party or sex expo. I have a mental locker near busting at the seams filled with unfulfilled fantasies and more important, fantasies that I'd like to fulfill with him!

Image via Wikipedia

I mean, where is this unwritten rule that says once you get married you have to relinquish those fantasies and just have "normal" sex? I asked him if he wanted complete honestly (and believe me this is not the first nor will it be the last time that we've had this conversation, but each time I think he hopes my answers will change) and basically reminded him of what I like, what I am capable of, what I need, what turns me on and off, and the myriad of fantasies that are locked up in my sexual psyche. He feigned surprise but this discussion of ours went into the wee hours of the morning. He feels that he got his fantasies out of his system before we got married and it doesn't "interest" him in doing those things with me. Ouch! When I asked him why not, he couldn't give me a definitive explanation other than the fact that "you're my wife now". Hm? I decided to take this opportunity of openness and really get him talking. I went with the obvious man fantasy of having two women, and I asked him, "How would you feel if I said yes to that?" He feels that 3somes either way won't work and that they'd turn into some Wendy Williams advice hour type shit where one person is left feeling vulnerable and another will possibly start to question the relationship. After an hour of this, I finally got him to say that he might be open to a 3some but only at a "sexy" party where I would have to prep him first and get him good and liquored up. I made him really think about realistic fantasies that he could see enjoying with me and he came up with a few: on a private beach (did we somehow hit the lottery and I didn't know?), role playing in a bar as strangers (more doable), on a car hood...making progress, right? After over three hours of discussion, and even being so bold as to ask, "If one person in a marriage is not getting satisfied after making several attempts to get their spouse to be more open, would you blame them for stepping outside the marriage?" After a long pause, he said, "No, I guess I wouldn't...I will try to do make more of an effort to appreciate how unbelievably sexual my wife is, ok?"

OK!

Nocturnal Chat #2

Highway Masturbation

It's a yucky rainy day and I have a ton of errands to run, but before I can do what I need to do, I have to stop by my honey's job to get my daily spending money. When I pull up to meet him, he's already waiting for me outside in his uniform. Chills. I stay in the car and he leans in to plant two soft kisses on my lips as he hands me my cash. We have a few moments of idle chit chat, and for no reason at all I reach my hand out of the window and stroke his dick. He doesn't shoo my hand away or even break eye contact to see if any of his co-workers are around. SSSSS Damn. He's got to go back to work and I need to get moving. He gives me two more kisses and I'm off on the road. The radio is playing shit so I throw on my Ipod and feel for some Prince. I have a slew of my favorite dirty Prince songs and my number one is Darlin Nikki. It starts playing and as I'm driving I'm imagining myself making him a sexy video starring me as Nikki. I'm literally driving and caressing my thighs, my legs, my breasts, and my lips as I lip-sync the lyrics. When it gets to my line "and Nikki started to grind", I can't help but put my hands between my legs and magically my fingers find my clit. Now I should have started this by stating:DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS! The more I sing the deeper my fingers go into my pussy and now I'm wet and singing and fantasizing about him coming home and finding me in the middle of my video shoot. I think of him punishing me by tying me up to the bed post face down with a gag in my mouth. I picture him roughly shoving his dick in my ass without taking the time to ease it in. I imagine myself screaming from the sheer sweet pain of receiving his lashes to my ass. The song is almost over and I'm squeezing my thighs tighter and tighter as I try ever so hard to keep my eyes focused on the wet open highway. Fuck. I'm so into my singing, gyrating, fingering that I'm oblivious to the other drivers and the thought of some horny ass truck driver watching me only makes me more horny. Shit. Prince is at the part where he's screaming, "Cum back Nikki, Cum back" and his freaky shrieking and that was it for me cuz in my head I was bucking against honey's power thrusts and creaming all over the sheets. By the time the song is over I am pleasantly shuddering. Wow. If this is what I can do driving...just imagine the possibilities.

They may need to come up with a new driving campaign, my bumper sticker should read:

FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS DRIVE HORNY!

Receiving Head 101

Even though I got that lame ass, "I don't know, I guess" the other night, I still rolled up on him ninja style while he was sleeping and woke him up with his dick surrounded by my tongue and saliva. As I mentioned in the previous post on this subject men should be responsible for certain things during the oralization of the penis. I was doin the damn thang for good 15 minutes and I could not tell if he was fully conscious or not. I mean he had his hand on my ass (you know I had myself perfectly positioned just in case he decided to reciprocate with a 69 - those are rare in our bed), and was kinda stroking softly which was nice don't get me wrong...but it was so fucking silent in the room. I decided to kick it up a notch and add my own soundtrack in an attempt to stir something within him, you know the usual slurping, sloshing, moany noises you make when your mouth is full. Nothing, nada, zippo! He did eventually start to move his hips, hold my head, and steel clamp my left tit, it just feels robotic without the vocal proof that he actually likes it.

Image via Wikipedia

Personally, a man must do the following in order to keep receiving head on a continual, ask-free basis:

1. When offered to get a blow job, graciously stop what your doing and drop your drawers
2. Make sure the piggy and nuts are fresh and free of any musk
3. If you want the element of surprise and your dead weight is the equivalent of a school bus, please be so kind as to fall asleep on your back
4. Once you awaken to find your dick in your partner's mouth, give a little moan so they know you're awake both upstairs and downstairs
5. While your being sucked dry with no strings attached, please do at least 3 of the following:
   a. alternate caressing/fondling different parts of your partner's anatomy
   b. moan intermittently, sigh, inhale sharply, curse, make some type of fucking noise
   c. talk dirty, call their name, tell them you love them,or refer to the man upstairs as if he/she were in the room with you
   d. pull your partner into the 69 position, which will intensify your blow job by at least 95%
   e. kiss, lick, bite, slap any/all available body parts
   f. pull their hair (be mindful of any weaves or tracks)
   g. guide your partner's head to a rhythm that's pleasing to you
6. Then when you think you're about to cum, you can either:
   a. let your partner know in advance, if they like to swallow
   b. pull out and cum all over tits or ass (I'm not one for cumming in my face, sorry that's the one sex act that I find disrespectful - notice I said the one)
   c. stop the blow job and reward your partner by fucking the shit out of them for the unsolicited blow job (my personal favorite!)

Now that's Receiving Head 101, any questions?

What's that smell?

I'm horrible, I know! They say that with the crisis of ovarian and uterine cancer women shouldn't douche anymore. Most GYN's are against it and even say to avoid most perfumed soaps when dealing with the va-jay-jay. My thought is this, after sex, guys can just wash their dicks off and the aromatic funk of sex gets washed down the drain, but us women, who are in monogamous relationships where condoms cease being applied, have to deal with a man's cum stuck up all inside us until it's good and ready to make its decent to our undies. No fair! Why does he get instant freshness and we're literally stuck with him all splashed up in our nether regions?? Yes, condoms would alleviate some of the issue, but most condoms leave behind thier own latex/silicone/rubbery smell too!! Someone needs to come up with a product, maybe similar to that of a gel insert, and we can call it...drumroll please...Cumaway! I know, I know, the name needs work, but you all get where I'm going with this. The commercial would sound something like:

"Are you tired of being handed a towel after sex,

while he get to freshen up his balls?

Well, not anymore!

Ladies, it's time for Cumaway!

Let modern technology rid you of

your man's starchy sperm in one little capsule!

So next time, instead of asking him to pass you a towel,

just ask him to pass the Cumaway,

and take that Cum AWAY!!"

To blow him or not to blow him?

How would you take it if your spouse came home from an extremely hard day at work, complaining, tired, and in a miserable mood, and you the good husband or wife offer to give them oral pleasure just to make them feel better, and they say, "I don't know, I guess"? Seriously?! Now I don't mean to toot my own fucking horn here but I suck a pretty mean dick, and to get a monotone, "I don't know, I guess", followed by a "I suppose you could wake me up later, you know I was being sarcastic before, right?" I kinda feel like forget now! I offered and you weren't enthusiastic. For me that's all part of the fun of it. I know most women don't enjoy giving blow jobs, I'm not one of them. It actually turns me on and I can even reach orgasm doing it...that being said, I have to be inspired by the man I'm giving it to in order to achieve either of the two reactions. You know: breathing heavy, pulling or playing with my hair, a moan or deep sigh, talking dirty to me and if you really want to get me going then play with my tits or stick a finger or two between my thighs...but maybe that's just me?

My bedroom opposite doesn't "allow" me to play with him outside of the bedroom, by this I mean, I'm not "allowed" to grab at his dick, fondle his ass, or even stick my hands down his shirt unless it's leading up to sex. For him, it's like "what's the point, if the playing doesn't go any where?" or his other excuse, "the kids are still awake". Firstly, is it a guy thing? Is there some sort of unwritten rule that you can't tease one another unless the sex is imminent? I know the answer is NO, because I have guys friends that are constantly groping and fondling their wives while cooking, doing the dishes, laundry, taking out the garbage...you get what I'm saying. I just need to figure out how to get my spouse to see that there's nothing wrong with that. After 4 years of marriage, you'd think he'd catch a clue by now. Secondly, what wrong with our children knowing that mommy and daddy have to have couple time, and when they get older understanding that mommy and daddy have a great "intimate" relationship. I don't want my kids growing up thinking sex is a dirty word or a secret, that's how teens get knocked up! More than ever before, I'm groping and teasing him in other places besides the bedroom and night time, plus I'm also being more verbally open in front of close family and friends about our sex life in front of him. I firmly believe it is because of this that he recently tried to break my back when I asked him to handle his business later one night in front of a relative. Is it an ego thing for him? Do I have to put him on front street every time I want mind-numbing sex? After 5 years of togetherness, how do I get HIM to be inspired to treat me like the sexual goddess that I am, instead of being a DIRTY GIRL ON LOCK?!

Nocturnal Chat #1

**These entries titled after the blog address will hopefully entertain, titillate, engage, or just make you go wake somebody up...happy reading.


It's 3:30am and I awaken to his head between my legs. Before I can question why or how, the heat of his gently licking courses from my clit to my eyelids. "Damn, baby are you drunk?" No reply as he continues to lick with intensity. Every other lick he sends ricochets up my spine by sticking his tongue in and out with a rhythm I didn't know he was capable of. My left hand hits the headboard while my right clutches at his head. "Honey, you forgot to close the door". No response just deeper plunges of his tongue into my hot walls. "But the kids!" He shoves two fingers sticky with my essence into my open questioning mouth. Who is this man? I'm lost in wave after wave of pleasure. "We're gonna wake the baby". Still he says nothing as he slides his tongue up my body all the way up to my neck where he pauses there to suck feverishly at the nape. Before I can register what has happened to my husband, he's inside of me, thrashing his dick around in ways that make my toes curl from unfamiliarity. We're in our typical missionary position, but tonight it's not so typical. He has his hands on my ass, squeezing between thrusts. I can't believe this is happening, this can not be happening to me. He sits up and throws my left leg over his shoulder and slow strokes me for a what seems like a delicious eternity. The top of his dick rubbing my clit ever so slightly gives me my third orgasm for the night...third orgasm? I haven't cum in months, now I've come three times. "Baby, how much did you drink?" As if to punish me for my incessant questioning, he pulls out. The abrupt halting of it sends me into a mini-orgasmic haze, I can't see straight. He's got his two middle fingers plunged deep into my pussy and is pulsating at the very base of my g-spot and I can't fucking believe it, I'm ejaculating all over the sheets. Just like any other brother out there, I've only had it happen a few times in my life and tonight it's happening for me. I'm blind with it, my body is contorted into this writhing, heaving, convulsing mass, and just when I think it can't get any better he stops, gets up, closes and locks the door, and switches on the fan. When he returns, he presents his dripping wet cock for me to suck him off and I eagerly take him into my mouth. The minute I have his tip and shaft between my lips, he offers me his, "Yeah, baby". And I'm in my zone, licking the head, sucking him in, licking the head, sucking him in. All the while his fingers dance inside of me making the bed wetter and wetter. I'm riding a wonderful shock of orgasms when he stops, flips me over on to my stomach, pulls me up on to my knees and slams his dick so hard into me that my head almost cracks the head board. My husband...my husband is really and truly fucking the ever-living shit out of me tonight! What ever the FUCK is happening in the universe - I LIKE IT!! I'm cumming more tonight than I have in the almost two years! I'm smiling...no scratch that...I'm cheezin like crazy as he grabs my hips and my ass and pumps his dick in and out of me like I was his last fucking meal! I've got the pillow so far down my throat it's raw, but I don't care. I'm reaching behind me and I'm clawing, punching, grabbing on him not ever wanting this feeling of being so utterly sexually free to end. He flips me front and then side and then back on my knees enduring my bites, my scratches, my harsh sucks and licks and all out wild abandon from me. My final question for the night, "What did you take?", is answered by a pounding that nearly renders me unconscious. The cumgasm that occurs sends me into what could only look like an epileptic seizure, but oh, how fucking sweet it is. As I lay there shivering with aftershocks, the tears fall, and the next thing I know I'm all out bawling. Now he takes my face and asks, "What's the matter?" My only response is to hiccup, "Why -why-why...can't we...do this...all...the...time?"

Hope I caught you with your pants down...now go do something naughty!!

Image by squishband via Flickr

The Hard Facts

I've been obsessing for the past hour on trying to find some statistics on how often people are getting laid. It's a good question, don't you think? Well, finding the answer was not as easy as I thought it would be. I found this on About.com:

In a survey of more than 86 other studies on women’s reports of sexual intercourse frequency, U.S. and European women between the ages of 26 to 35 reported having sex between 8 to 12 times per month. SERIOUSLY??? Is this accurate for anyone? I WISH!!!!
In one of the largest U.S. studies, the majority of men and women who were living together but unmarried reported having sex 8 to 12 times per month, and the majority of married people reported having sex “a few times per month.” This is more like it, well, I don't like it, but it is what it is! One textbook compared studies in the U.S. of men and women surveyed about the frequency of “marital coitus” from 1938, 1970 and 2003. There was, in fact, little difference across the decades, and looking at men and women from ages 20 to 45, they reported between 6.8 and 8 times per month. LIES, I TELL YOU, ALL LIES!!
Researchers point out that there are many problems with these numbers, including a lack of agreement on what “sex” meant to those answering the question and problems with how the data was collected. EXACTLY!! WHAT IS SEX? BLOWJOB, ANAL, MISSIONARY, 69, 88, OR ALL OF THE ABOVE OR NONE OF THE ABOVE?? All I know is I want my 8 - 12 times a month as the stats confirm!!!!

Ban on Tighty Whities!!

I want to take a stand on the underwear conglomerate! There should be some type of law, or rule if you will, that prevents underwear companies like Hanes and Fruit of the Loom from making Tighty Whities for men! After a boy reaches the age of say 10, they should cease and desist from making them! I am so fucking tired of seeing grown ass men look like they are walking around wearing fucking diapers!! There needs to be a warning on the label that read: "IF YOU WANT YOUR WOMAN TO FALL COMPLETELY OUT OF LUST WITH YOU, THEN BUY THESE"!

Image via Wikipedia

Seriously?!?!?!?! -------> This is not sexy!!!

Ladies we need to boycott, write letters, start an email campaign, SOMETHING....we cannot let this atrosity continue in bedrooms across the nations!!

DOWN WITH THE TIGHTY WHITIE!!!!

Thoughts on A Big eh eh eh "EGO"...

At first I was completely hating on this song because, well, I can not for the life of me tolerate Kanye West! He irratates me to no end. HOWEVER! I'm totally loving the play on words for this song. Which promotes the question: Does size really matter? Um, HELL YEAH! But we'll table that for a minute for you all to digest some of the lyrics and share your thoughts on it:

Beyonce Ego [Remix] feat. Kanye West lyrics[Kanye West:]

I got a big ego ha ha ha
I'm Such a big ego uh uh uh
I got a big ha ha ha ego
She love my big ha ha ha ego
So stroke my big ha ha ha ego
I like to joke around a little bit but here we go
....

[Beyoncé:]
***This my part right heya:

It's too big It's too wide
It's too strong It won't fit
It's too much It's too tough
He talks like this Cause he can back it up

He got a big ego Such a huge ego
I love his big ego It's too much
He walks like this Cause he can back it up

Some call it arrogant I call it confidant
You decide when you find On what I'm working with

Damn I know, I'm killing you with them legs
Better yet them thighs Matter a fact it's my smile
Or maybe my eyes Boy you a site to see
Kind of something like me

Beyonce - Ego [Remix] feat. Kanye West

Guess who's not cumming for dinner?

If you've had the conversation well over the allowable, say, ten times, and he still doesn't get it, what more can you do? You love him, right? But how important is sex anyway? Let me rephrase that because we are having sex. Do you have to cum every time? Most men do, they can do it in their sleep even - damn nocturnal emissions my ass! OK, I'll admit I have severe penis envy, always have and I always will. I recently complainied to 2 male friends to get their perspective (b/c when I asked my girlfriend, she said I'm overthinking it - UM, NO!!) If I can do it by myself, and I can get it if I'm on top, why can't he make it happen for me? I put on the shoes, I put on the outfits, I put away the granny panties, even do my hair and slap on some lip gloss, but I can't get him to put a little extra in to it so that I can have a good night's sleep!! I don't think it's wrong to insist on a happy ending at the end of every sexy bedtime story. Anyway, one said, "Isn't it ironic how sexual we all are (referring to he, the other male, and myself), and we all ended up hooking up with our bedroom opposites?" To which the other explained,"It's punishment for all the whoring around we did when we were younger." Makes sense, or does it? Is there a way to compromise in a sexual relationship when one person is overly sexual and the other is, well, not?

Image by Ryan Somma via Flickr

On another subject, but not really, I'm curious what does the word "FREAK" really mean? Does liking pornos, slutty outfits, and hi-heels make a man a freak or just average joe? When I think "Freak" I think: Ménage à trois, voyeurism, toys with weird names, positions that would make your mama disown you, blindfolds, sex while driving, doing in it in places just to see if you get caught, private sex parties in hidden lofts...I mean am I alone here? Am I speaking out of my ass? Oh, yeah, and let's not forget third input! Aren't some of these the things that really come to mind when someone uses the word "freak"?

**This is the first official post of a Dirty Girl on Lock, if you like it, please comment, become a follower, and share it with your friends! Look for more sexual foolishness...