How do you decide to cheat?

Does something major have to happen, a fight? Sleeping in separate rooms? Lack of communication? A forgotten birthday or anniversary? Sexless marriage? Or is it a steadily building pile of little things like burping in public, tighty whitie underwear, not helping around the house? I'm reading these blogs of married men and women who have found their way into the arms of lovers and can't help wonder how did they get there? I've made friends with a few and spoken offline to get some understanding. The most interesting thing that I've found: everyone loves their spouses. Some even believe their mates have turned a blind eye on their extramarital affairs. What pushes otherwise happily married individuals over the edge and into someone else's bed?

How many more "uncomfortable" conversations about sex can a couple have? Or when do you have enough "really, you couldn't think of doing that for me simply because I asked you to"? Is there a conscience decision to cheat? Or do you one day find yourself so pissed off by the day's fucked up circumstances that some man or woman just happens to be in your wrong place and wrong time at the right fucking time? Like if I left the house right now went to a bar or club or hell the supermarket and Mr. SmileAtMeTheRightWay offered to take me home, would I?

Is this rant of mine a case of me being overly sensitive to the fact that today is my birthday and I know funds are tight and hubby has "allegedly" something in the works but couldn't get me even a card on my actual day? Am I being a bitch because of this? I know money is tight right now, I know he has the best of intentions, but..... for Father's day and his birthday, I orchestrated this huge surprise "Man's Day" at this sports club, got him the cards, the cake, even spending money to hang with the fellas on his day. I can't get a card with an I.O.U for this weekend or the next or for whenever he has whatever he has planned. My mother gave me a mini-Julia Roberts shopping spree today (you know the new size after baby clothes) and all I could think about was when I get home maybe there would be a modest bouquet of flowers, a card or shit even a poem written on a piece of scrap paper...he knows I'm a simple gal and simple things please me. We've had this talk about a $2 card to mark occasions when money, timing and originality are out the window...ie birth of our son, mother's day, Christmas. I don't know...is it my mother's fault for making our birthdays feel like the most special day in year even as adults? Should I blame her for feeling this way? I don't think so, especially since I've told him how I feel about this a few dozen times over the years. It's not about material things for me, it's the idea that you took a moment to sit down and think, what could I do to make this day special for my mate? I'm a poet by nature, and so was he when we met, I've told him countless times, can't get to the store then put your love in print...it's priceless and can't be bought. I don't know...I just feel like, damn. Someone talk to me...


Quiet One *Smirk* said...

Ok I had to finally comment....I have kept up with this blog since you first sent it. I have to believe its a man thing. I can't tell you many times I felt like you. I have resigned myself to the fact that birthdays are just another day. Unless of course daddy is treating. I have planned dinner parties, made extra arrangements but you know what not the same when my birthday rolls around. Thus, I stopped that isht now. If my day is just another day then so is yours....thus when I was told I know what you can get me for my birthday I looked at him and said "nothing".....You don't make a big fan fare of mine so what the hell makes you think i'm gonna make a big deal of yours. This year I spent my birthday drinking with a friend that came over with 2 bottles of wine....didn't use my free massage that a friend gave me cuz of a comment he made, didn't get flowers, and had left off thanksgiving dinner. Its our parents fault darn it but its the man's fault to for not stepping up. You know I am in the midst of reading Steve Harvey Think Like A Man Act Like A Woman and guess the part I am on...CHEATING. I wanted to ask the question not have you cheated (Cuz i am a firm believer in deny until the end) but have you ever THOUGHT about cheating....hmmmm. Either way HAPPY BIRTHDAY and know you are special~

The world according to Gaz said...

For me the decision to cheat came from a combination of things over a long period. Now it just seems like it was meant to be. I do love my wife but i also love the thrill of the bit on the side.
I also think that its not right for everyone or wouldn't suit everyone. Guilt can be worse than being found out.

Soul Powers said...

I don't even know where to begin with this. No matter how much we share with a significant other about the importance of special days, their upbringing will have more weight to how they react to it.

Also, sometimes men are just DENSE! He may have gotten it wrong even if you wrote the poem, taped it to his hands and put his hands on your lap. LOL.

I know you're Birthday wasn't what you expected, but, do know you ARE special and loved. If he doesn't love you, know your viewing audience does. :) Again, Happy Birthday!

Bill said...

Sorry your hubby was so thoughtless :(

The reason I started to cheat was because I was in a sex deprived marriage which led to a sexless marriage which led to divorce. I NEVER thought I would be one to cheat - although I thought about it a LOT! At first I cheated in a "limited" way. I was afraid my guilt would be overwhelming if I actually had intercourse with another woman. I eventually went all the way and was kind of disappointed I didn't feel as guilty as I should have.

Let me give you one piece of advice though. I am in a loving relationship now, and there is NO comparison to having extramarital sex and having NO HOLDS BARRED sex within the marriage. Having unrestrained, dirty, nasty, loving, sex with THE person you love is the ULTIMATE!

I HOPE your husband WAKES up before it's too late!


Reformed Slut said...

My heart aches for you sweetie!
You very much deserve special recognition on your special day! And to clarify...my hubby comes from a culture where bdays are only mildly celebrated for children, but he has made good note of the expectations I have for bdays and he's always on point for them. So it might not really be a "man thing". He fails in other areas, but not for birthdays!
From one Leo to an other...
Its been my observation that a lot of men cheat because their wives don't give it to them enough. Many have readily admitted that most likely the cheating would cease if their wives would fuck 'em more often, and do more than the vanilla routine sex. I think more women should step up to the plate and do their marital duty: please your man! If you're not in the mood you sure can get there, give him a chance! I honestly believe that the reason my husband has never cheated (and he's admitted I'm right) is due to the fact that he can always get it when and how he wants from me. And its good. So no need to stray.
For me the reason I chose to cheat was due to emotional pain my husband put me through. Eventually it built up enough to where I made a quiet inner decision to just fuck it. Literally. But I do have to admit...
If I could go back in time to January 7th of this year I would do it all differently. I never would have gone to that damn hotel room. I would have never fucked an other man. I never would have started on a path to where I am now, having fucked six other men besides my husband. While I have very much enjoyed my sexual escapades, over all it has brought me extreme guilt and even more dissatisfaction than when I started, if that's even possible.
I attending a good friend's wedding this month and was so sad at the innocence I had lost due to my decision to become a cheater. And seeing my husband discover one of these affairs and decide to forgive and move on, the pain he sufferred (and still does) was not worth it. If I could give advice to any woman in your situation who is contemplting having an affair: don't do it.
Or course, if you make a different decision hun I will still support you no matter what! ;-) I am obviously far from the type to judge...